"It's your final evaluation..."

Ahh, so I got the letter from school last week. It was funny too because friends kept calling and texting to know if I had heard anything from school yet and I kept telling them to be more patient. It was a weird deadline. Sept. 1st was a Sunday, and you know they're not at school on Sundays, and the next day was the Labor Day holiday, so really I assumed it would be Sept. 3rd before they even attempted going through all the applications. By that Friday I had to tell people to stop asking for updates just to keep me from getting anxious. I don't know why, but God gave me the greatest peace during that waiting period. I have no idea if I was in denial, but I was seriously not stressing over it.

Then last Friday I told Heath, today's the day I'll get my letter. I'm not claiming to be prophetic, nor did I really pray about getting it that day, but for whatever reason it was there in the mailbox. THEN the nerves and anxiety kicked in. THEN my hands started shaking. THEN I felt like I couldn't breathe. Heath was actually going to be home in an hour but I just couldn't wait to open it. I figured if it said I didn't make the cut then I could cry alone and share it with him after I collected myself. It was this super thin envelope and I debated for about 4 seconds before opening it. You know how you read something so fast that you miss entirely what it says? I had to read that thing three times before I even saw the "Congratulations". I just went for the meat of the letter- yes or no? I made the cut!

Then, every bit of peace left me. It's like this didn't seem very real until I got the letter letting me know I was in the final step, and very well could be starting this program in January. Now my mind wants to run a million miles an hour and go over and over the way our lives could be changed, and I just want my nerves to cool it. I knew I was an emotional eater, but have been surprised at how many times I've randomly wanted to eat pasta- a total comfort food- in the past 3 days. I haven't wanted pasta in almost a year now and I know I'm just stressed. It's so hard to not know what could be happening in just four months. I keep trying to soak up my time at home with Easton b/c I have no idea if my days of being a SAHM will soon end. I want to start asking around for child care recommendations (which is a WHOLE other source of anxiety for me) but then there's really no point yet b/c again, I have no idea if I'll get in this program.

Old anxiety issues keep coming back, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe or my throat's feeling thicker and it's been years since I've felt that way. I've been trying to purposefully pray and ask for that peace He gave me up until now. It's hard to choose to be peaceful when I feel far from it, and I keep trying to read scriptures to comfort me, but it's five minutes later and I'm back to worrying again-ahh! Trying to pray through this.

 

I wish I could share how excited I am about the interview coming up but so far I'm not, ha. Interview is in two weeks, on Sep. 25th at 9am, and I keep telling myself this will be the easiest interview b/c I've already done the hard work and now they just want to see how awesome I am. :)

 

 

On the way to Cory's football practice today, I heard this song that I know I've heard a million times before, but finally heard it. Sidewalk Prophets- heard of them? I googled the lyrics once I got home and listened to it again to help calm my nerves, and prayed again for Him to give me peace. Struggling today.

 

 

[Chorus:] If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

 

Here's the link to the song if you've never heard it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsjZ94K7UQs